Cold calls

Having spent a fair bit of time at home over the last few months, I have had the opportunity to answer many calls of this nature on my marvellous BT installed "cold call hotline" and have broadly developed this method for dealing with them.

I find it even more fun if, before taking the call you don a ridiculous hat, which in my case is invariably the norm.

Please use the script which follows as guidance but feel free to go off-piste and finesse our own details, whatever you do decide to say it should be delivered in a cheery and professional manner. The idea is to coerce the caller to either hang up or reply with their information or a simple "yes" - exactly what they will always be trying get you to do.

SCRIPT:

You: Hello, Who is speaking please?
Cold Caller: Blah blah

You: before we proceed I need to ask you a couple of questions for my own security, is that OK?
Cold Caller: ...Yes (yes!)

You: I just need to pull you up on screen (mutter something about computers going down etc), would you mind if I just put you on hold  for a few moments?
Cold Caller: ...Yes (and again)

Play Smurf music on cassette for 3 mins.

You: Right I have you set up, just a couple of things, may I proceed?

ColdCaller: ...Yes (once more)

You: Your full name please?

Cold Caller: Yadda yada

You: Your phone number please?

Cold Caller: Blah blah

You: Your Line managers name please?

Cold Caller: Yadda yada

If they have not dropped the phone by now, allow them to have reign for no more than 10 seconds and then hit them with your closer (preferably in an slight accent not used up until now – Irish for instance).

You: Oh, before we go any further, I do not deal with financial matters or commit to any purchasing decisions over the phone, could you please write to me at this address.

Whilst halfway through dictating an unlikely, perhaps rude sounding, but real address, make a loud, unexpected noise (e.g. a scream, a sneeze or similar) and then, in silence, wait as long as you can without laughing, finally hang up the phone.

Now go and make yourself a cup of tea you awful human being.