Come in, 'ave a Cuppa Tea.

Welcome to the facking wahndafawl weld of Cockney Rhymin' Slang.

Possibly the earliest definition of the word Cockney is seen in Chaucer’s Canterbury Tales in "the Reeve's Tale": "Cokenay" as "a child tenderly brought up” and, by extension, "an effeminate fellow”. ’Ave a word!

Later tradition favours the definition of one having been born within earshot of Bow Bells, back when this was established, on a sleepy Sunday, you could hear the big bell at Bow as far west as Marylebone in West London, so technically I just qualify.

Chas & Dave are the musical embodiment of the cultcha, have a butchers hook they always make me smile. (and they are proper musicians).

What follows is a list of Cockney Rhymin' Slang terms. Some of these may be spurious and you may well have a more suiting rhyme for a particular expression, this is purely an introduction, so on yer bike:

Adam and Eve – believe
Alan Whickers – knickers
Artful Dodger – lodger
Aristotle (Bottle - Bottle and Glass) - Arse
Ascot Races – braces
Aunt Joanna – piano
Baked Bean – Queen
Baker’s Dozen – Cousin
Ball and Chalk – Walk
Barnaby Rudge – Judge
Barnet Fair – hair
Barney Rubble – trouble
Battlecruiser – boozer
Bees and honey – money
Bird lime – time (in prison)
Boat Race – face
Bob Hope – soap, Dope
Brahms and Liszt – pissed
Brass Tacks – facts
Bread and Cheese – sneeze
Bricks and Mortar – daughter
Bristol City – breasts
Bubble and Squeak – Greek
Bubble Bath – Laugh

Chalfont St. Giles – piles
Chalk Farm – arm
China plate – mate (friend)
Cock and Hen – ten
Cows and Kisses – Missus (wife - Cows an')
Currant bun – sun
Custard and jelly – telly (television)

Daisy Roots – boots
Darby and Joan – moan
Dicky bird – word
Dicky Dirt – shirt
Dinky Doos – shoes
Dog and bone – phone
Duke of Kent – rent
Dustbin lid – kid

Elephant’s Trunk – drunk

Fireman’s Hose – nose
Flowery Dell – cell
Frog and Toad – road

Gypsy’s kiss – piss

Half-inch – pinch (to steal)
Hampton Wick – prick
Hank Marvin – starving

Isle of Wight – tights

Jayme Gibbs
Joanna – piano (pronounced ‘pianna’)

Khyber Pass – arse
Kick and Prance – dance

Lady Godiva – fiver
Laugh n a joke – smoke
Lionel Blairs – flares
Loaf of Bread – head
Loop the loop – soup

Mickey Bliss – piss

Mork and Mindy – windy
North and south – mouth
Nut and Fig - wig

Orchestra stalls – balls

Pat and Mick – sick
Peckham Rye – tie
Plates of meat – feet
Pony and Trap – crap

Raspberry ripple – nipple
Raspberry tart – fart
Roast Pork – fork
Rosy Lee – tea (drink)
Round the Houses – trousers
Rub-a-Dub – pub
Ruby Murray – curry

Sausage Roll – goal
Septic tank – Yank
Sherbert (short for sherbert dab) – cab (taxi)
Skin and Blister – sister
Sky Rocket – pocket
Sweeney Todd – flying squad
Syrup of figs – wig

Tables and chairs – stairs
Tea leaf – thief
Todd Sloane – alone
Tom and Dick – sick
Tomfoolery – jewellery
Tommy Trinder – window
trouble and strife – wife
Two and eight – state (of upset)

Vera Lynn – gin

Whistle and flute – suit (of clothes)

Have a go at making one up yourself, it's a lot harder than you think.

Graphic: From a series of prints entitled "Cockney" currently under development within my corporation.